Logic and God

In my longing to connect with other human beings in God realization, I have abandoned all logic. 

I used to treasure my logic and it kept me sane. The moment I started to doubt logic because New Agers says “you’re not supposed to understand”, the moment I abandoned God. I have long found Leo Gura’s teachings to be harsh and cold. True, but hard edged. I liked the smoother communication of Gigi Young and the mystery traditions who use metaphors and archetypes. I liked it because it felt better, not because I felt like I knew God through them. They harmonized and soothed me. But only true logic of reality will always be here the whole way. It’s like the logic that there must only be one thing, an eternal all powerful thing, is so true that it just IS. Logic just IS. And we have polluted logic into this masculine forceful egotistical thing where we use it to justify whatever we please in the moment.

My simple knowing - that only nothingness can produce infinity - is so simple and obvious. Yet I forget to really explain it and go deeper. So if I have access to the infinite through myself, I have to be that infinitude. Why did I forget this? I knew this, and I couldn’t stand to know it alone. I felt so isolated and the world felt so meaningless. I just wanted to feel good, to do art, to flow and to feel some coherence in energy. It was like my body was too shocked to do anything but to try and feel good after knowing Nothingness.

I also used to write and create like it really mattered. Like I knew I was supposed to do great things. I don’t think I realized the solitude and dedicated work it would take to do that. I was on my way, but my attachment to feel sex, love, money, food and power were so strong I couldn’t resist pursuing them. I still feel the pull of these things every day. As I’m sitting here I feel my stomach being fuller than is optimal for my work. And why is that? It’s because my body is still adjusting and burning through karma necessary for me to devote my life to the work of God. I know it’s the only work I can do. I know it’s the only work worth while.

I know so many things, but some knowings seem more eternal, like they are solid and seethrough at the same time. This is part of that logic. If only God exists, which is true, then knowing, feeling and living God is the only way to live! It has to be. So why have I not been living God lately? Well I haven’t been living consciously. I have been living out impulses from my surroundings, not really creating something spontaneous as much as I want. I have been traumatized. I have needed soothing just to function every day. Those are the consequences of me believing God is outside of me. I have been so focused on feeling Christ in my heart that I forgot to use my own actual thinking. My mind became pictures of anthroposophy, chakras, science and buddhism. I was just dancing around with ideas, using whichever idea I had previously picked up that could explain my state of being and my immediate impulse. I wasn’t actually holding myself accountable or using my own logic and common sense to make decisions. I have more and more lately, which is why I think God is opening in me again now.

I understand that because it’s been a long time since I sat down and wrote to myself like this, there is a necessity for an update in where my mind really is now. I truly cannot believe I left logic. I’m fucking disappointed in myself. I was willing to believe anything that would connect me to everyone else and have me be understood by other people, and so I though I could just learn many systems deeply, or even one, and use that terminology to connect with people’s connotations. What I was really looking for was my own logic. God’s logic. The logic of anything, of infinity, of nothingness. It is what branches out into all mystery traditions and creates all sciences and relationships between things. Logic is the very fabric, the structure of reality, and it is in it’s essence incredibly simple, although it can become incredible complex creations as well. When we create art, we use logic, then abandon it to do our own thing, and then, if we have integrity, we come back to a higher sense of logic and coherence.

The simplicity of the logic of reality is this: Nothingness is all that ever was and ever can be, yet this nothingness is infinitely conscious and endlessly creates things that can see themselves as separate and physical. Reality creates separation by creating intense experiences of being its own separate thing. It wants to create the illusion of separation, because this allows it to experience anything. In fact it has to create separation for it to create infinity. And because there’s infinite time and infinite space and infinite levels of density, anything and everything it wants to create, it will create.

Now it seems to me that between nothingness and physical existence, there is the connection that is the separation field. In this field there is a gradation of existence from empty to full. It seems logical to me that any way to split this gradation - like in different worlds, densities, lokas, chakras, levels, cosmic cycles or whatever - is again an illusory separation where we can find states of consciousness in between the different gradation levels as well. So whichever system we use to describe the different states of consciousness will have to be dissolved. Only truth will prevail. And truth has logic within it. Even the word logic or the explanations of God will have to dissolve, where only the realization of it in its purest form will be here eternally. Logic really is a way of anchoring God in the body. Because the body loves logic, although the lower parts of us fight this logic with all its might. The need for chaos, destruction and copying the external is the “lower” or the childish. When we anchor the logic of God in our being through our living life, the surroundings and the body that resonates with the physical will have an uproar. It will feel weird and uncomfortable and everyone around you will jump at the opportunity to convince you to come back into physical resonance. This is obviously only our own mind being attached to a coherent external world. We created relationships that would try and hold us down, so that we could figure out how to let go and transcend them. By realizing they are us and that we are the eternal, there’s no need to fight about staying or leaving anywhere.

I used to be afraid that my intuition would go away. And I was always trying to calculate when I would have my next big realization and what circumstances would need to be fixed first. The logic of God came and went, and I was exposed to doubt and distractions from everyone in my life. I’m at a point in my life now, at 31 years old, where I feel there is a need to make choices. I cannot put my energy into everything. This body will dissolve when it can’t hold the logic of God in it anymore, and so I need to choose how to live my life. When I try to pursue a romantic relationship, it feels temporary and imprisoning. I feel my love for animals, children, nature and humans who need help and I absolutely love feeling like a mom in many ways. But it just isn’t all the way what I truly need to be fulfilled. To truly be fulfilled I need to live the logic of God, that is purpose, that is pure living. I am willing to sacrifice anything I feel I “need to experience” to know and live God.

I know that the realizations hit hard last time because I hadn’t cleaned up my lower life. I guess that’s what I’ve been trying to do the past few years. Get my life in order so I can actually know God in this life. And here I am. More ordered. More serious. More happy. Loving. Determined. Single focused.

Here I am. Here I go.